How Do We Heal From Regret?

“WHY DIDN’T I…” Such thoughts can cling to us, and the regret they make us feel refuses to go away. 

Has anyone ever told you “You should move on?” It’s a lot easier said than done. The past can feel like a persistent shadow, sticking with us even as we try to turn away. 

When our regret lingers, there is an unanswered question. We aren’t simply obsessed with the past, we are stewing over a question because the answer is important. The answer to “Why didn’t I…” says something about who we are. 

Regret hurts the most when our mind answers the question for us, and we don't like the answer. I’ve often heard clients voice self-criticisms like: “I didn’t spend more time with that person before he passed away because I was too selfish.” or “I was a bad friend.”

One reason our regret can linger is that we are afraid that we will repeat the past. Another reason is that the event we regret is deeply painful, and the idea that we are responsible is unbearable. 

So how do we overcome our regret? We need to answer that “Why didn’t I?” question. We need to address it with self-compassion, honesty, and information. The questions provided here can help us to think about our past from multiple angles, and consider as much information and evidence as possible. As you read through them, take the time to ask yourself the answers. It may help to pretend that you’re talking to a friend going through the same thing you are. 

When we are stuck in our emotions, it can be incredibly hard to see the entire picture on our own. The questions below are even more effective with the help of a professional exploring the answer with you. As you ask yourself these questions, you may realise that you'd like to seek the perspective of a therapist to help you explore additional angles, ask questions more specific to your regret, and help you work through your emotions. 

Questions:

• Why did I make that choice?

  Understanding why you made your choice is vital to healing. A clear explanation can lead to forgiveness and a repaired sense of self. It can also lead to confidence in learning from our mistakes.

• What context am I forgetting? What was happening then?

  When regret overwhelms us, we often focus only on what went wrong, neglecting the circumstances that influenced our decision.

• What mental state was I in?

  Difficult emotions, intoxication, and exhaustion can severely reduce our ability to think clearly and consider the consequences of our actions. Sadness, desperation, anxiety, and even sexual arousal can prevent us from thinking far enough into the future, or from considering the lessons we have learned in the past.

• How did I make my decision?

  When we are critical of ourselves, we often forget that we were rational in the past. Remembering our decision-making process can help us look back with more compassion.

• What was my intention at the time?

  Many of my clients voice that they must "not have cared enough" to make the right choices, or that they were not guided by their priorities. When we look back at the past and consider the whole story, we often find that our priorities and goals were all there, we just didn’t know then what we know now.

• What barriers prevented me from making a better decision?

  Recognizing the factors that prevented us from making the decision we would have today can help soothe our self-judgement and cut ourselves some slack.

• Did I use the information I had available at the time?

  The best we can do is use the information we have available to us at the time. Looking back at the past, we often criticise ourselves for not knowing things that seem obvious now, or assume that we knew things that are clear in the present.

• If someone else I care about did the same thing, what would I think of them?

  When we consider the actions of people we care about, we are less likely to jump to a conclusion about them as a person. For example, “If I make a mistake, I am stupid" versus "If my mother makes a mistake, she's only human.”

• What am I afraid will happen?

  Sometimes our regrets are more about the present than the past. When this is true, identifying what we are afraid of can help us re-examine our regret and confront our fear.

• How can I address this fear?

  Learning from your past to make a plan to face your fear can help your mind relax, reducing the need to fixate on the regret.

• What has changed since then?

  While fixated on preventing the past, we might miss how we've grown and circumstances have shifted.

The questions above can guide self-exploration. If overcoming regret feels daunting, a therapist can assist you in gradually healing and navigating your emotions.

Am I the right therapist for you? Meet for a 20-minute chat to find out.

The above is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should not replace consultation with a medical professional. The above is my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. All examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.