Why Do I Worry About Disappointing My Manager?
Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, replaying a conversation with your manager over and over in your head? Wondering if they were pleased with your latest project, or if you missed the mark? You're not alone. It's a common experience that many of us share—the lingering worry about what our manager thinks of us and our work. But why does their opinion carry such weight, even when our relationship with them is primarily professional?
As we grow up, our relationships teach us about our worth and how others see us. Our caregivers and mentors either praise or condemn who we are and our efforts. As long as you see your caregiver as inherently good or worthy, what they think of you will impact your idea of your worth. (We don’t tend to care what others think of us unless we see them and their ideas as having some worth. Generally, people see their caregivers and mentors as good, impressive, and worthy). Their attitude towards us moulds our self-image. How we think of ourselves determines how we think and feel towards others. Considering the context of your past and your self-image can help explain your thoughts and feelings about your manager.
As you read the examples below, consider your own life and sense of self. If you resonate with any of these stories, you may decide to seek support:
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A woman's parents are loving but never seem impressed or satisfied by her achievements. As a child, she rarely heard them say “Good job.” As she grew older and began to achieve more impressive things, they never seemed content and just kept raising their expectations. She never learned to be proud of herself and satisfied with her achievements, so she seeks the approval of others. Her manager at her new job has high expectations for her team. Whenever the woman works on her projects, she worries about whether her manager will be impressed. When her manager does give her positive feedback, she feels elated, but the feeling never lasts long. Soon enough, she returns to feeling critical of herself and chases approval again.
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A woman has experienced rejection many times in her life. She has been rejected by her dream schools and retrenched from multiple jobs. She has also had partners who left her because they said she is not good enough for them. If she had an outside view, she could explain this pattern away. She applied to schools that were not a good fit for her, the companies she worked for were unstable at best, and hostile at worst, and her partners have all been abusive in different ways. However, to her, it seems obvious that she is unworthy of others’ investment and commitment. Based on her past, she anticipates that her manager will eventually let her go. She overcompensates her fear by working longer hours than everyone else. She also refuses to delegate any of her work and takes on extra roles to try to make herself indispensable. If she ever finds herself without extra work to do or tries reducing her workload she feels threatened and afraid that she will be rejected again.
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A woman grows up with siblings who frequently make her feel like she isn’t good enough. They get better grades than her, are more athletic, and are constantly getting praise from their parents. When she tried to impress her parents, her siblings would often laugh at her, and her parents would not stop them. The woman learns that she is worth less than her peers. As an adult, she finds herself afraid to speak up in meetings. She believes that if she speaks up, her manager will discover that she is not as smart and worthy as her team members.
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A man was raised by parents who were quick to insult and judge him every time he made a mistake. Their parenting style lowered his self-esteem because it made him see himself as incapable of doing anything right. He was nervous about making mistakes as a child because whenever his parents judged him, he felt worthless. As an adult, he feels nervous before submitting any projects to his manager and feels worthless and small again as he waits for his manager's feedback and imagines all the mistakes he made. When he gets feedback, he tends to ignore anything positive and focuses on criticism because it aligns with his belief about his worth.
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A man feels uncertain about the path he has taken in his career. Older adults in his life have consistently expected him to know with certainty what he wants to do for a living, but he has not found a clear calling. Others with more clarity and direction in their career paths have made patronizing comments about his own, saying that he “bounces from one thing to the next” and seems to have “no clear purpose.” Other’s comments have made him worry that he will never find a purpose and that he will spend his life ‘wasting time in offices where he does not belong.’ He finds himself preoccupied with his manager’s comments on his work. Praise from his manager seems to justify his current role, but any negative feedback or even lack of feedback leaves him to struggle with his fears of being aimless, and therefore less capable than others.
The examples above barely scratch the surface of all the many reasons a person can find themselves worried about their manager’s impression of them. Our unique history shapes how we view ourselves, our thoughts about our work, and our emotions and behaviours. If you want to learn to feel calm and confident around your manager and in your workplace, you need to understand why you think and feel the way you do. A therapist can help you identify where your worry is coming from and learn to rewire your mind.
Am I the right therapist for you? Meet for a 20-minute chat to find out.
The above is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should not replace consultation with a medical professional. The above is my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. All examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.
